Whisper of the Stars

Because a whisper can be a secret, a truth & a setting free

Leave Me Be!

Recently, I’ve been questioning some changes I’ve been noticing. I find myself more and more bothered by people trying to contact me. I’ve never been known as a good texter, meaning it takes me days to reply to a text. Even if I see it the moment it arrives. I look at it, then move on, without bothering to reply. The only exception is if it requires an immediate response, such as what we should do for the night.

That’s never really been too bad of an issue, and all I receive are some mildly annoyed complaints concerning how difficult it is to reach me. But when people who aren’t close to me/mere acquaintances try extremely hard to contact me, it bothers me a lot. I guess mom’s been going around asking people to talk some sense into me, so I keep getting text messages and random phone calls from whoever she complains about me to. I understand if they’re concerned about my future, but I’m not doing that bad, and there’s no need to send me a long text every few days, especially if I never replied to the first 5 long texts.

With the exception of my closest friends, there aren’t many people I would willingly reach out to, which I find a bit worrisome. I’m not sure when this started, as I’ve never really been much of a social butterfly. However, I never really rebounded anybody’s attempts at conversation either, until recently. It might be the after-effects from the depression periods I went through in grade 11 and 12, or it might be from when my boyfriend isolated me from my friends and it’s just become easier to shut everyone out since then.

Truth is, I’m only happy to receive messages from my closest friends, and there are only three of them! Everybody else’s makes me roll my eyes or “ugh…” before I continue playing Candy Crush Saga. And unfortunately, my boyfriend drifts in and out between both categories. Am I antisocial or…?! Cue sigh and worried face.

I’m not too sure if it’s because our relationship’s dynamics changed drastically (I see it as 2 stages, during-abuse and post-abuse, with an occasional pre-abuse) or because of my many but short online relationships with guys who got scared off by my smothering. I feel as if in my relationship with my boyfriend, emotion-wise, I’m more like the stereotypical male and he’s like the stereotypical female. I see him as too-clingy at times, and he considers me a bit colder/not as emotionally invested as him. I consider this a strange whirl of feelings, because most girls would do anything to have their boyfriend do more to show that they care. Me on the other hand…I get annoyed when he constantly tells me he misses me and loves me. In my head, it’s all, “I just left your house half an hour ago. We just spent several hours together, except after the dinner you made me, all you wanted was sexytime. Do you miss me or my skills?!” (Sorry haha, this was just yesterday night so I’m still stewing a bit.)

But back to what I was saying. When he tells me he misses me, he gets upset that I don’t say it back. I don’t say it because we’ve been talking all day/we saw each other yesterday/will see each other in a few days. I’m not sure if it’s just with him, or I’d be as emotionally-distant in a relationship with a different guy. It’s not that I don’t want to show him affection, it just doesn’t come as naturally/easily anymore. He’s always saying that I can’t use my online relationships as an excuse when I say that they all up and left me when I invested myself so emotionally into the relationships and somewhere along the way, I stopped trying.

I feel really bad though, that I’m not always the girlfriend he wants me to be. He really has made bounds of improvement since I went to the police, and he says it’s hard to stay on track when I’m constantly demanding more from him without acknowledging the progress he’s already made.

I always told myself that in a boyfriend, I wanted someone who was tough on the outside, but really a softy at heart/around me. I think that a lot of girls think a similar way, that they want to be ‘the one’ to really disarm their guy, to be the only one to know what he’s really like when he lets all his defenses down. I suppose I really found that in my boyfriend, and man, he is as prickly as a fully-inflated puffer fish! When he’s really defenseless though, he really is a sweetheart and lets me see how life has broken him down, and I just want to take back all the mean things I said and hug and kiss him better.

Just recently, after I admitted that I found him annoying and that sometimes all I want is to be left alone, he replied with this, “Im sorry ive been clingy for a while. I just never had a relationship as serious as this and I want to keep it going. I guess I went about showing you I care and love you the wrong way. I’ll try to tone it down from now on. Anyways, im excited for the opportunity im getting on monday (he’s starting work) and I just wanna make you proud of me and be able to provide for you. I love you so much.” And that just broke my heart @_@

I don’t know if it’s him, or if it’s just me, but now that I’ve read it over for the sake of this post, I don’t really have any reason to complain. In fact, I should learn from him and work on being at least half as affectionate as he is. Our relationship isn’t what I’ve come to expect after years of reading teenage rom-coms, meaning I have an ideal man/relationship in my head, but we really are learning from and growing with each other, and through our (many, many) ups and downs, what’s kept me holding on to the relationship is him and his desire to be with me. And considering all I usually want to do is just quit and try somewhere else, I find his perseverance and dedication very inspiring. The fact that he tries so hard to make our relationship work despite how angry I purposely make him, and all the hurtful jabs I throw in fits of anger, is very touching. Maybe it’s because I stuck with him when he was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive towards me? At times I stayed because I was scared stupid, and other times I stayed because I really believed that he could be a better person. So far he’s proving me right, and for all the $&!^ we’ve been through, I really hope that our relationship is for good, and to stay! Here’s to turning a new page and doing more to show him I care =)

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